lilyslore's blog

I don't know why this was dropped from today's paper. It may have just been an accident running yesterday's strip again today. I thought this very amusing though.

This morning I was mildly amused to see reporter Larry Hannan had done a puff piece on the toll road coming to a boondoggle near you in the not too distant future. It was not very informative but I had hoped maybe now that it looks to be too late, perhaps we would find out more completely how fully we have been conned by the greedy among us.

Imagine my surprise when I picked up a copy of Clay Today this afternoon and saw coverage of a ribbon cutting ceremony for this scam which took place Monday, June 1st. And none of us were even invited. Did anyone else know of this little "screw you" from the governor and his henchmen?

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk..

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
- As soon as you find aproduct that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

This struck me hard. I know I have to lose weight or risk being a small child's nightmare should one spot me trying to tan.

You Know It's Time to Diet When..
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'

I discovered this amusing little video on You Tube via Dave Barry. (Is there nothing this man can not do?) Considering the state of the Detroit Lions perhaps this sport would catch on all over Michigan and do something about the excess vehicles clogging up the showrooms. But with a little more thought, I think this could be modified to finally put all politicians to some useful endeavor not previously considered in America. At least, not out loud. :>)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-WhKgNNKWU

Here is another forward I received. I'm sure many have seen these before but it's always heartbreaking to see that nothing changes. :>)

Profound Statements

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams 

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19.. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

 22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson 

25. The biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats is the spelling.

  -- Anonymous

The Economy is so Bad...

1. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

2. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

3. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

4. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

5. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

10. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

11. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

12. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

13. Motel Six wont leave the light on.

14. The Mafia is laying off judges.

As some of you may recall, I wrote extensively about the killer, Elmer Polite, who walked away from the deaths of three children. He ostensibly claimed one of the children as his own. We came to learn this was not true. He also thumbed his nose at the community by refusing to even pay the ludicrously small $500 fine he was given.

Last night after a trip to Melbourne, I found a crank letter from an anonymous crack pot stating the hideous Mr. Polite is now dead. Here is the "letter".

In 08 you wrote about Elmer Polite and how he killed 3 children in a caraccident and got off too easy.