The Blonde Mortician
This one's for Clarity. Yer right - enuff of CCAC.A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!) Submitted by SoloVoce on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 3:50pm.
OGV, You might be going into comedic competition with Mike Mann if you keep this up. You might also be painting a target on your back ala Mike Heemer's comments. Look, I've enjoyed your comments, but I need a favor. You don't have to be specific, no address or anything. But do you live in the OP area or MBurg area. I just want to know which area I should avoid so I won't be considered collateral damage when the shells start flying & people start yelling, "INCOMING." JATFUR. Rich K Submitted by SoloVoce on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 4:13pm.
OGV, Man, didn't you get the memo? They got computers, they got make up, they got high lights in their hair, they got cell phones, high heels, flip flops, short skirts, plunging necklines complete with cleavage, tight jeans, a wiggle when they walk, a glazed look in their eyes when asked a question, padded shoulders to protect their heads when they bob their heads from side to side, bubble gum to chew & pop the bubbles so they can look cute, a wink that will melt your heart & inhibitions, not to mention your common sense. Where the heck have you been? Freeze dried or doing hard time? JATFUR. Rich K
Submitted by Walt on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 5:16pm.
You've got the description down perfectly. I got trapped by one of 'em years ago and haven't been able to escape. Submitted by clayvoter on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 7:32pm.
I am not sure if ya'll should be chastised or rewarded for this thread. What a politically incorrect hoot.....a refreshing change from the political excrement and the CCCAC threads that never end.
Submitted by SoloVoce on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 8:06pm.
Clayvoter, We're just doin' our job. Our standards may be low.....but we do have standards. And jobs. And responsibilities. And hopefully, quick reactions. INCOMING!!!!! Rich K
Submitted by oneguysview on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 8:16pm.
I live in Middleburg they tell me. I think its unincorprorated whatever that is. If that means taxes are low then they got it right. So, if you come this way, I suppose you should keep an eye out for incoming. As to yer list, I do have a standard left but not know where I put it. No job, one rsponsibility. Well, 4, if you count the cats. With the Mrs off vistin her sister, I just may get away with this thread. Woohoo!! Submitted by clayvoter on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 8:38pm.
Okay, I laughed out loud--your standards are "low or lost". Good ones. How about a Clay County Blue Collar Comedy Tour? (Named in honor of OGV avatar, of course) Got another joke? And keep it clean boys, if I want dirt I will go back to the miseries of CCAC and politics.
Submitted by oneguysview on Tue, 08/12/2008 - 9:06pm.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
Submitted by clarity on Wed, 08/13/2008 - 7:18am.
That's a good one! You didn't say---was the older couple blonde?
Submitted by oneguysview on Wed, 08/13/2008 - 7:45am.
What? Ain't i enuff troubl already? Let's pick on my group some more: A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, ...no one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ... “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, Stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, ..will give him sex!” There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her , “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, And he said, “Screw the Preacher!” Isn’t senility something else?
Submitted by clarity on Wed, 08/13/2008 - 2:10pm.
I'm loving these threads! Seriously, this should be a daily routine, and we bloggers vote on the favorite joke of the day. Or maybe we take turns sharing jokes, just as we have been..... Either way, a little levity makes for more interesting reading!
Submitted by lilyslore on Wed, 08/13/2008 - 9:20pm.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ? ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Submitted by MeMaw on Fri, 08/15/2008 - 10:47pm.
Now, these were worth staying up late! Too funny - bring em on; I think we all need to chill!!
Submitted by kilroy on Fri, 08/15/2008 - 11:13pm.
Awesome, minus the CCAC digs. Please go to: http://spayusa.org/media/pdfs/Cats_Multiply_Pyramid.pdf http://spayusa.org/media/pdfs/Dogs_Multiply_Pyramid.pdf
Submitted by vicedr on Sat, 08/16/2008 - 1:12am.
I just heard a few days ago about a real live situation I have to share with you. The child was presumed brain dead and life support was taken off. A funeral was arranged and when they went to do the autopsy this child woke up! I am as serious as can be. This happened in Jacksonville a few weeks ago. It really makes you wonder about these scientific tests they do. Obviously the child was not brain dead! I swear this is true! But anyway I enjoyed all the late night laughs. They were great! People are talking about ...Here are the recent blog postings with the most comments. |
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Whoops! Maybe not.
OGV;
You better duck and cover. I can see the posts from all the blondes heading your way.
Mike Heemer