humor

Here's a few fun jokes for those of us who never know when to shut up.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station...... and then the fight started....

 
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      I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.  I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.  And that's when the fight started.

 
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license toverify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was  very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She  said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too' 

And that's when the fight started......

 
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      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.' 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' 

And that's when the fight started....

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      I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's when the fight started......

 
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       I took my wife to a restaurant... The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

We are brought into this world with a blank slate which we fill up with learning’s from school, family, and life in general.  We mature, have children, they grow up and have children of their own, you retire and then you become dumb again.  After 21 years in the business world with middle manager experience and graduate level education, it suddenly seems that at least to my grown children, I no longer have any business sense.   This fact was reaffirmed to me on my recent birthday when my grown sons were discussing their very busy business life and when I approached thinking I may have something to contribute to the conversation, they suddenly shut-up.  Now, this was not the first time this had occurred.  However, now I am certain of it; I am dumb again.

Consider this fair warning for you young ladies contemplating motherhood.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.  

4.  Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5.  Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6.  In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'.

I hope everyone takes this as it is. Good natured humor. I think Senator McCain would, too. My old beer guzzling buddy sent this to me.

John McCain Is So Old....
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....the Big Bang woke him up.

....Mike Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution, but John McCain witnessed
it.

....it takes an archeologist to dig up dirt on him.

....in 1st grade he only had to learn one continent on the flat earth.

....ALL parties were toga parties when he was in school.

....his library card says "Alexandria" on it.

....his copy of the Bible is autographed.

....he owes Moses twenty bucks.

....he remembers when Iraq was Mesopotamia.

....Joe Lieberman has to remind him not to refer to Iranians as
"Proto-Elamites."

....he voted against funding the Pyramids.

....when the walls of Jericho fell down, he blocked legislation to rebuild it.

For Magnum-

http://humor.about.com/library/day/bl0621.htm

Today is Berkley Breathed's birthday- who knew!?

KC

I was on the west coast of the state for a couple of days on business, and I believe I saw what could be a reason why we don't have illegal immigration under control.

Forty miles north of Tampa I saw the Border Patrol sitting in the median on the Interstate like FHP.

It appears some of them may be lost. 

Once again, another Feb. 14 has rolled around and I sit pondering the true meaning of Valentine's Day. I mean really, how many people actually celebrate this economy-craved holiday?

Call it bad luck or call it fate, but I've never been in a position to celebrate the day. Every year it's the same. No sweet love note tucked behind my windshield wiper. No roses delivered to work. No "shout out" on the radio. No romantic dinner. Nothing. I guess I'll just blame it on lack of romantic guys. Doesn't that justify my non-interest in Valentine's Day?

Not really.